I saw the headlines on my timeline and refused to open the article. “8 Dead in Atlanta Spa Shootings, With Fears of Anti-Asian Bias” the NYT reported. When I felt somewhat mentally fortified to read it, the pain in my heart intensified. I’d like to take a moment to give a personal response.
I’ve skimmed over many big topics here that deserve their own time to flesh out, but this is my immediate, personal reaction to what has been happening for years. (CW: mentions of hate speech, sexual violence).
In particular, I want to start with how the gunman told the police he had a “sexual addiction” and had carried out the shootings at the massage parlors to eliminate his “temptation” (NYT). It is impossible to separate this attack from race. An attack on a massage parlor, where 6/8 of the victims were ASIAN WOMEN is a racially motivated hate crime. The gunman wanted to “eliminate temptations,” i.e. the Asian women he perceived as “sexually tempting” him.
I am so tired of Asian women bearing the responsibility, paying the price of their own lives, for white men’s fetishes. In 2019, I wrote an op-ed titled “Hypergamy is Not an Excuse for Your Fetish” which I won’t detail here since it’s online, but what I will next say is in reference to it.
Although I wrote this article over a year ago, it recently entered my inbox again with the subject line “Yellow Fever.” In it was nothing short of an essay from a man who announced that he hates Asians but his high school irrevocably “developed” his sexual preference for Asian women, other comments I would not like to revisit, and overall victim-blamed Asian women for all the sh*t that happens to us.
I wrote that article because opinions like this are too common. They are widespread and ingrained, even if one does not express it. They are dangerous, as we saw in Atlanta and the many many cases of anti-Asian hate crimes that are on the rise.
Although the email I received made it very clear that he was not trying to hit on me (lmao), sexual violence against Asian women is very real. The fetishization of Asian women is dangerous, and it can have deadly consequences, not only from one’s partner, but from complete strangers.
When I received that email a week ago, I honestly laughed it off. It’s great to know that my writing can elicit such a strong reaction. But now I question why was that my first reaction? Why was I compelled to make it an anecdote to tell my friends when we discuss toxic masculinity? I don’t have an answer, but as I soberly consider all of the micro aggressions I’ve experienced in relation to my race, some of them turn into close calls. And that is terrifying.
Growing up in a predominately white city, I certainly benefitted in some ways from the “model minority myth.” But a MYTH is exactly what it is. It’s the way someone tells you “I pictured you as a blonde from this story you wrote” to how your peers trip over themselves to find a facial feature to compliment, only highlighting the differences between you and them.
These are not deadly words, but the fact that I remember them years later underscores their harmful potential. These are biases that persist, unrecognized, in many people, and it is only by opening the conversation around Asian-Americans with our friends and family that we can begin to address it.
I obviously have more thoughts than I have so far expressed, but I don’t feel quite equipped to share them now. So I’ll leave you with a reminder to call out racism against ANY race, recognize the hate crimes against Asian-Americans, and check in on your friends and family.
